Episode #1187 2014.01.12 - Alien Heipo

A Japanese variety show hosted by the popular Japanese owarai duo, Downtown
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A not open scene of the No Laughing EDF.
本邦初公開 笑ってはいけない地球防衛軍24時
Gaki_140112_#1187_Alien Heipo.zip
As explained in the episode itself, this was originally filmed as a segment for No Laughing, but it was so entertaining they saved it for an actual episode.
And just like Matsumoto commented, that certainly wasn't something to watch with your family on new year's.
KU・・・ KR・・・

Partial translation for first few mins only(because I grew tired of Heipo lol). I did this as part of a personal exercise in Japanese. I'll try the rest of the episode perhaps in May or June.
I put question marks where I am not sure who the person talking is or what they are saying.

M: Downtown-Matsumoto
H: Downtown-Hamada
T: Cocorico-Tanaka
E: Cocorico-Endo
Y: Tsukitei Hosei
F: License-Fujiwara
I: License-Inomoto
Hei: Heipo
N: Narrator
GDFE: Gaasuu Kurobikari Defense Force of Earth

I: 1st Gaki no Tsukai ya arahende
I: First airing - No-laughing Defense Force of Earth 24 hours
I: Alien lifeform Experiment Footage~!!
?: What is it?
?: What is it?
?: I don't know.

Words on screen: Today's project: Unshown footage that was
recorded for GDFE 24Hrs but was not used

I: There exist footage which had not been shown for last year's New Year special
M: It's just trash footage right?
F: No, no.
F: Even though it's 'special footage', it wasn't shown, unfortunately.
Y: That means we have not yet seen it?
I: That's right
M: If it's really interesting, it should have been shown
H: Yeah, that's right
F: This footage is quite special and funny, but we weren't able to show this
F: Footage of an experiment on an alien from Heipo
?: Heipo alien?
Y: Sounds interesting
M: Speaking of him, We haven't seen him backstage today
Y: Honestly, this sounds interesting!!
M: Is it ok?
H: I wonder...How scary
M: We just need to watch a video, right?
I: But it really is quite interesting and funny
M: You keep saying 'interesting', 'interesting'..
Others: Yeah..

I: It's ok if you expect a high standard
E: Eh, really?
Others: Eh?
F:It's really ok.
F: Because it's 'special footage'
H: We got trapped huh?
***sore wa mou hameraretanaa

I: VTR, please.

Words on screen: Caught an alien who has intruded Earth
N: Our Gaasuu Defense Force of Earth has succeeded in catching an alien intruder
Words on screen: To investigate this organism, an experiment was carried out
N: To investigate this organism, an experiment was carried out
Words on screen: This is from start to end, valuable footage
Words on screen(small): Narrator: Yamada Shinichi
N: This is from start to end, valuable footage

Hei: Ah, ah, what are you doing!?
Hei: Eh, eh
Scientists: (in English) Calm down! Calm down!
Hei: eh, where are we going? No~
Words on screen: Gaasuu DFE Experiment Room
Hei: What are you doing? Eh?

Scientists: (in english) Don't move, don't move
Words on screen: Mystery alien, Heipo alien
Scientists: (in English) Don't move, don't move. Stop there. You understand?
Hei: (in English) understand. Sit?
Scientists: (in English) Wait. Wait there
M: Ah, this..Heipo is weak to this
Hei:vWhat is this? Ueh~
Hei: What is this?
Hei: eh, scary, eh
Hei: uwa..I'm really in a different room
Hei: No wayy
E:"really in a different room"
H: What the heck is he saying?
Hei: eh, what should I do?

Words on screen:
Content of Experiment
Using night vision cameras in the totally darkened room,
observe Heipo alien,
and record his state without setting any tricks or traps

N: The experiment that will be carried out will be:
N: turning off all lights in the room, using night vision cameras
N: with no other traps,
N: in order to observe Heipo alien alone in his natural state

Hei: Why? Ahh, no~
Hei: aaaaaAAAA!!
Hei: Hey!!

Words on screen: time till it becomes dark
(countdown from 5)

Words on screen(top right): Observing via infrared camera

Hei: Let me out!

H: That's no good..making it dark
H: Something terrible will happen
***erai koto ni naru yo

Hei: *yelling*
Hei: I can't see! Scary! No good! I can't see anything

M: The eyes just have to get used to it
M: Is he a child?

Hei: I can't see anything
Hei: Wah...something's there!!
Hei: I don't know! I don't know!
Hei: Ehh...Naka(director), let me out~!
Hei: Stop this~ please!
Hei: Scary..I don't know where the exit is
Hei: I'm no good at this kind of stuff
Hei: Really!
Hei: I said, Stop this *starts coughing*

H: Acting, he's acting
E: Right? It's easy to see through, right?
Hei: I'm in poor condition today

Hei: I don't knooooooOOOW aaahh
Hei: Did something just move?
Hei: My chest's starting to hurt
Hei: Just open the door...aaaaAAAH!

M: How noisy

Words on screen: Heipo alien, surprised by the touch of his antenna

M: Nothing has been done to him yet!

Hei: Hey, it's totally black and I can't see anything
M: We know that
Hei: There's nothing in front of my eyes, really total darkness
Hei: aah aahh Not sure if there's nothing there..I don't know
Hei: Isn't it about time...
Hei: to switch on (the lights)...hey
Hei: I have a fever, a fever...it will flare again
Hei: Because it's total darkness, I can't see anything

Hei: Ah! Eh? There's a sound
Hei: No good..
Hei: What are you planning on doing? Hurry and let me out
Hei: Scary...scary...Scary~ Enough alREADY
Hei: Uwa! Ahh! Uwaaa!!
Hei: Why is this (antenna) so long!!
Hei: Ah ahh! What what what!?
Hei: Who? Eh eh

E: There's nothing, just the lights switched off
H: It's just darkness
E: It's just darkness

Hei: I'll really become strange, in this darkness
Hei: My mind is becoming strange ahh

M: How many times is he going to reach such a peak?

Hei: who? who? WHo? WHO? WHO?

Hei: Please, turn the lights on, please
Hei: I can't see
Hei: I'm going to cry already
Hei: Eh? What? Where am I?
Hei: I don't know. where is this?
Hei: Eh? Eh? What's this?

M: ?
T: He always leaves the lights on
Y: He becomes like this at home if it turns dark?
E: Seems so

Hei: eh? it became dark again!
Hei: What's this? Eh? Where is this? Who?
Hei: Eh? I don't know
Hei: Eh? Where the heck am I...
Hei: Where is this place? Eh?
Hei: Eh? Where am I? Where am I!

M: The volume of his voice is quite impressive
Hei: Am I closer to the door?
Hei: Just let me out already enough
M: Slowly, his ???
Hei: I'm bad at this...I'm begging
Hei: I'm pleading here, in total darkness

M: He's slowing becoming a prisoner

Words on screen: 10 minutes since the start

Hei: Why do I have to be here for so long? aaaAAAH
Hei: I don't know
M: ??
Hei: Ueeeh!? No!

H: What's happened?

Hei: No! It's enough, just stop this!
Hei: It's way too dark here!! Stop joking around!!

M: "It's way too dark here"

Hei: Uwa! Hey!
Hei: Someone, come here already!
Hei: I'm begging! I don't know what's going on already!
Hei: Please! uwaa!
Hei: Please. Please stop. Please. I can't stand this anymore...
Hei: Ah ah ah!!
Hei: I don't know, I can't see anything
Hei: Didn't I plead with you already? Enough
Hei: It's enough, at this stage

Hei: It's dark and scary...
M: ? setsumei?
H: Yeah
Hei: Enough, please
Hei: I already asked to stop with such a plan
Hei: I don't know what you want to do...
Hei: Aah!
Hei: No! Eeh!?
Hei: Switch on the lights I can't see anything
Hei: NooooOOOOO
Hei: I can't do this anymore...

M: This would be good even With just the sound on an iPod
M: Maybe I should put it in my iPod later?

Hei: It's too scary I can't move...
Hei: Please! Really, please!
Hei: Isn't this enough!
Hei: to end this here! It's scary!
Hei: Scary scary scary scary...

Hei: Sca~ary!!

Hei: Aah! Who?
Hei: Is someone there?

***hasande ki yo ru na

Hei: I told Uchino(desk) today
Hei: that I have a fever and wanted to go to the doctor's

H/M: Here it appears
E: this pattern
H: Yeah

Hei: I was serious
Hei: I have a fever! This is strange!
Hei: Say so too, Uchino! To the director!
Hei: Didn't I say earlier!

Hei: I'm sorry this is scary...

Words on screen: There was such a conversation with Uchino
before the experiment
Words on screen(top right): Filmed in changing room with
hidden camera
Narration: There was such a conversation with Uchino
before the experiment in the changing room.
Matsumoto wearing the jacket Yamasaki got him!
I want to see this subbed, really like heipo's episodes.
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